2017 Hawtte$t TrendZ

Hello! Wishing everyone a warm welcome to the year 2017. It's a prime number so I'm kind of suspicious already (why won't you let anyone besides 1 and yourself IN?!), but I like to think that 2017 will be a good year. After all, it is the Year of the Rooster-- or, as some might say, the Year of the Cock. Now I think that's something we can all enjoy! (It's only January 5th so I'm allowed to make this joke.)

By now, most bloggers and listicle artisans have compiled their highlights of 2016: the various food trends, celebrity happenings, fashion moments, popular memes, political diarrhea, and gorilla shootings that defined the year for better or for worse.

Biden memes were funny for about 12 hours before they quickly became... well this.

Biden memes were funny for about 12 hours before they quickly became... well this.

I could create my own list of 2016 highlights with my patented goofy-and-satirical-but-sometimes-unnervingly-dark point of view, but rather than dwell in the soggy memories of last year I'd like to look towards the future. Thus, I present to you my best guess at the highlights and trends of 2017, so we know exactly how much there is to be excited about.


The Predicted Highlights of 2017

1. Most popular food: Fish tacos, where the taco shell is just a gutted fish

Last year I heard someone say, "Bread is the new soda." As a society we are continuing to cut out all bread and grain products in favor of healthier options: first with the South Beach diet, then the Paleo diet, and now the explosion of the gluten-free movement. Replacing tortillas with fish is the next logical step, especially when you consider what a come-up 2016 was for Poke. Lean fish and everybody's favorite Mexican snack combined to form one super health-food?! Get outta town before Trump finds ya! For added health benefits, some establishments may scoop the fish's eyes out and replace them with Goji berries.

2. Most popular music genre: found-object house music

I don't think the world is making big enough of a deal that 2013-2016 has essentially been dominated by banjo techno. Mumford and Sons? Avici? Lumineers? X Ambassadors? They somehow found a way to plug a banjo into a large sound-maker-box, play it over some of Ke$ha's sampled beats, and get Niki Minaj to rap about dicks for 30 seconds in the middle, and rode that god damn wave of nonsense up to the top of the charts. I don't know HOW it happened, but everyone seems pretty cool with it. 2017 will continue the tradition of musical gimmicks by rewarding artists who use "like really innovative and super original" instruments in their music. Why? Because that shit sells Coachella tickets. And with piracy at an all-time high, artists don't want to pay for actual instruments. You've already got a chain on an old wooden box in Bishop's "River." In 2017 don't be surprised to hear any of the following on your radio: a trash can lid, a pizza being dropped on the ground, a voice chat ring back tone, a helium tank getting licked by a litter of kittens. It will be sampled through a repetitive electronic filter and BLAMMO-- mainstream experimental house music.

3. Most popular fashion trend: sequin-lined clothing

As pictured above, only inside out. The tail-end of 2016 caught us all wishing we had those funky lil' "reversible two-tone sequin" sweaters and skirts, and while this trend will die almost overnight at some point in 2017, we still have a few months to totally pervert the use of sequins. Why "show all your sparkle on the outside" when you could invent a really basic metaphor for inner beauty using clothes? This year's jackets, shirts, and jeans will have a modest outside but a f*cking fabulously surprising inner lining of sequins. The itching, scratching, sweating and faint scarring will only be a testament to the fact that YOU, you curvy radiant being, are confident about your body no matter how many places it might be lightly bleeding.

4. Largest political event: Trump turns out to be a dead rat inside 20 layers of raincoats

If you're around my age you may recognize this as the exact plot of the short story "Sammy" from Louis Sachar's classic children's book "Sideways Stories from Wayside School." If you don't, I'm sorry for spoiling the ending. Before you get too excited about this particular moment in history, be forewarned that this discovery will not end Trump's presidency since he will tweet "I am not a rat!!" and everyone will believe him.

5. Most popular slang term: "Fitchin my wezel, slam dog!"

Which roughly translates to the following: "Man cannot live without a permanent trust in something indestructible in himself, though both the indestructible element and the trust may remain permanently hidden from him. One of the ways in which this hiddenness can express itself is through faith in a personal god."


Now go forth and enjoy all these wonderful gifts in the coming year! HMU for tacos.


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